WHAT I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE

I've been going through a lot lately, but I don't want to wallow in self pity. There must be a good reason why I'm going through all this.

I used to weep over my broken dreams. I think I've cried enough. I'd like to believe that God is preparing me for something big -- something even bigger than my most grandiose dreams. Sometimes I'm tempted to think that God is cruel. However, I must always remember that lemons have to be squeezed to get their juice out. In the same way, I think God is giving me a squeeze to get the best out of me.

As Author M.R. Kopmeyer once wrote, "When it gets darkest, the stars come out."

DEALING WITH ADD

Last year, I went to a psychiatrist at St. Luke's Medical Center to have myself treated for depression. While I cannot pinpoint any specific cause for my major depressive episode, I think it was partly due to my anxiety about my job. I had the nagging feeling that I was about to get fired. I have always thought of myself as a failure because most of my peers have accomplished more than I have. (Indeed, having a high IQ doesn't guarantee success). I was so scared of getting fired because it would mean that I wasn't good enough for my job. I did not want to fail again.

I attribute my failures to my short attention span. I'd undertake a task and then find myself doing something else after a few minutes. (I have a lot of unfinished blog entries that are saved as drafts.) I try to deal with this by trying to do things fast. It does help, but not always. I think this is a handicap.

My psychiatrist told me that I may have attention deficit disorder. I think I really have it. She wanted to prescribe some drugs (Concerta is one of them), but I told her I'd rather not take any because I didn't want the adverse effects. Besides, the medicines are ridiculously expensive.

I wish I could find a treatment option that does not require drugs. Would meditation help? Maybe, but I can't even keep my mind on my mantra. I now work as a transcriptionist, and again, I have this nagging feeling that I'm about to lose my job. I make a lot of mistakes on the job. This is so frustrating! I don't know what to do. Can anyone help me? Please...

ANGST SESSION NO. 1: AM I JUST GETTING OLD?

Gone are the days when I was not afraid to put myself forward and allow myself to be vulnerable. I have become a coward. I always put myself on the safe side. What has happened to me? I used to be a swashbuckler, fighting for what I wanted. I sometimes threw too much caution to the wind. I was reckless. I got into a lot of trouble, but I was happy. I felt alive.

I now feel too small for my dreams. Most of the time, I'm afraid to try. My grandiose visions have faded. I am now standing on the ruins of my broken dreams. At least, I'm still standing. Will I be able to rebuild what has been destroyed? I hope it's not too late for me to become what I've always dreamed of becoming.

I remember the poem that Lola Lily used to quote very often. One of the lines says: "You are as young as your dreams and as old as your despair." I must not allow myself to drown in despair. I need to keep myself afloat. I need faith and hope to buoy me up. I need courage to move forward.

A BLACK SHEEP'S LAMENTATION

Right now, I think I'm being considered the black sheep among Lola Lily's grandchildren. From a devout Catholic, I have become an "agnostic;" I don't know if I can be properly called that, since I am certain of GOD's existence, and when I pray, I believe that GOD listens to every word I say. However, I must admit that I don't know what to believe. The word "agnostic" literally means "without knowledge." I have weeded out much of what I used to believe in, passionately adhered to, and vehemently defended. I wouldn't be honest to GOD if I were to remain a Catholic, and as I have said in my other blog, it took me more than ten years to finally decide that Catholicism is not for me.

Tito Edward must have spent hundreds of dollars on phone bills just to berate and lecture me. I understand why he does that. He is worried about the "salvation of my soul." He loves me very much and he doesn't want me to perish into the "unquenchable flames of hell." What really hurts and offends me is being accused of hubris. I don't claim to be more intelligent or wiser than the pope or anybody else. I am just a person who decided to follow the dictates of reason. I have decided not to put something as important as my faith into the hands of a select group of people (i.e. the clergy) who have unfounded claims of possessing the Truth in its entirety. I don't entirely believe in the Bible although I believe that the good book does contain some nuggets of wisdom. Sister Iris, my high school math teacher, once said that the Bible is not a good source of historical or scientific truth. According to her, some of the stories (or maybe most) are allegorical. So if the Bible isn't a good source of historical truth, then chances are some of the things that Jesus supposedly said may not have actually passed his lips!

I don't mean to criticize the Bible nor the Catholic faith. I am very tolerant of other people's beliefs. I love Catholics. I love Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus. I love people of all faiths. I don't think we should fight over our beliefs; it's a futile exercise. To do so would be tantamount to saying, "I'm right. You're wrong. I'm better than you," and "God favors me over you because I have the right set of beliefs." Now, if that is not hubris, I don't know what is.

I now find myself wishing that Tito Edward won't call. It pains me because I love him as much as he loves me. However, I cringe at the thought of having another excruciating conversation with him. He also accuses me of being an ingrate. How dare I question God when He has blessed me with so much! The truth is, I don't question Him/Her at all. I question the teachings of an institution that claims to be the herald of truth. I feel so sad about the rift between us that our differences have caused. I owe Tito Edward a lot, but I can never force myself to accept what he wants me to believe.

WHY I BLOG

Ryan, my best friend's brother, once made a comment about blogging. "I don't see why some people keep blogs. Perhaps they are just KSP." Perhaps he thinks it's not sensible for anyone to wear his/her heart on his/her sleeve online. I don't blame him. He's a guy; the members of the male species tend to keep their feelings to themselves.

Why do I blog? Is it because I am KSP? Maybe. Loneliness is what makes me want to share my thoughts and feelings online. Blogging affords me the opportunity to let my friends know what I really think and how I really feel. Don't we feel lonely when we can't let other people know what is truly in our minds and hearts? In face-to-face conversations, I am usually the listener. In my blog, I can let it all hang out without being overly concerned about how others would take what I have to say. Well, I don't see how my readers react to what I write; I don't see their faces!

As humans, we need to have a connection with other humans and we need different levels of connection. Intimacy is a need. I'm not just talking about intimacy in physical terms. Each of us needs to feel emotionally close to someone. I don't have anybody right now. I prefer to remain loveless and I will probably stay this way until I get over my most recent heart break.

My best friend seldom gets in touch with me which is quite understandable because she's busy being a wife and a call girl (a call center agent, you ninny!). She's in Northern Ireland with her husband. I miss her so much that sometimes my eyes brim with tears when I think of her.

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This is actually a continuation of my Friendster blog. That blog still exists; I haven't deleted it. I'm glad to know that there are people who actually read my blog and appreciate what I write. I hope you'll enjoy this blog as much as you've enjoyed my other blog.