A BLACK SHEEP'S LAMENTATION

Right now, I think I'm being considered the black sheep among Lola Lily's grandchildren. From a devout Catholic, I have become an "agnostic;" I don't know if I can be properly called that, since I am certain of GOD's existence, and when I pray, I believe that GOD listens to every word I say. However, I must admit that I don't know what to believe. The word "agnostic" literally means "without knowledge." I have weeded out much of what I used to believe in, passionately adhered to, and vehemently defended. I wouldn't be honest to GOD if I were to remain a Catholic, and as I have said in my other blog, it took me more than ten years to finally decide that Catholicism is not for me.

Tito Edward must have spent hundreds of dollars on phone bills just to berate and lecture me. I understand why he does that. He is worried about the "salvation of my soul." He loves me very much and he doesn't want me to perish into the "unquenchable flames of hell." What really hurts and offends me is being accused of hubris. I don't claim to be more intelligent or wiser than the pope or anybody else. I am just a person who decided to follow the dictates of reason. I have decided not to put something as important as my faith into the hands of a select group of people (i.e. the clergy) who have unfounded claims of possessing the Truth in its entirety. I don't entirely believe in the Bible although I believe that the good book does contain some nuggets of wisdom. Sister Iris, my high school math teacher, once said that the Bible is not a good source of historical or scientific truth. According to her, some of the stories (or maybe most) are allegorical. So if the Bible isn't a good source of historical truth, then chances are some of the things that Jesus supposedly said may not have actually passed his lips!

I don't mean to criticize the Bible nor the Catholic faith. I am very tolerant of other people's beliefs. I love Catholics. I love Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus. I love people of all faiths. I don't think we should fight over our beliefs; it's a futile exercise. To do so would be tantamount to saying, "I'm right. You're wrong. I'm better than you," and "God favors me over you because I have the right set of beliefs." Now, if that is not hubris, I don't know what is.

I now find myself wishing that Tito Edward won't call. It pains me because I love him as much as he loves me. However, I cringe at the thought of having another excruciating conversation with him. He also accuses me of being an ingrate. How dare I question God when He has blessed me with so much! The truth is, I don't question Him/Her at all. I question the teachings of an institution that claims to be the herald of truth. I feel so sad about the rift between us that our differences have caused. I owe Tito Edward a lot, but I can never force myself to accept what he wants me to believe.